How Our Experiences Shape Us

“If I changed even one tiny little thing about that season, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be WHO I am today. I wouldn’t have fought the hardest battles of my life and won.”
- Mandy Hale

Not all of our brothers and sisters win the battles overseas or at home upon their return. My heart really feels for my fellow vets that continue to struggle with the decision of fighting their demons or suppressing them. I fight these demons every day.

I think one of the worst possible things you could ask any veteran is “did you kill anyone over there?”

I don’t even know how to answer that question. I don’t know why you would ask and I certainly don’t know what you think the answer will give you. Will telling you “yes” make you think “Wow, they’re a killer!” or will it help you see the nightmare that is relived on a nightly basis? Will saying “No” make you think “they didn’t actually see any enemy contact” or lead you to believe that veteran should be a lot more adjusted to civilian life by now?

You see, there’s really no good answer to that question. And I don't think you really want to know the truth (“You can’t HANDLE the truth!” - Tom Cruise, A Few Good Men).

A better version of this question might be “what was it like over there?” Ask “how was adjusting back to civilian life?” Let the vet know you actually care about them and their well being and their mental health.

We are such a headline driven society. We want the highlight reel, not the full, detail ridden story of drama that unfolds. Many of my fellow vets (myself included) have stories to tell. I, especially, like to give the details and elaborate on the sweaty salt-starched stiffness of my uniform to the hypochondriac side that’s sure there’s something growing in my lungs from the burn pits in Iraq.

I want to elaborate my stories but sometimes I stop short when I think about watching parents pick up pieces of their children from the highway. Literal body parts from a 4 year old girl who was struck by a US military truck. I want to tell you how hard it is sometimes to look at my own kids without thinking about those experiences, but it would probably make you feel uncomfortable, and so I don’t. We don’t. The collective, veteran “we”. We let you ask your ignorant “did you kill anyone?” questions because it’s easier than actually telling you the gory details.

The details that you don’t actually want.